A truly disgusting looking food package has a few criteria it needs to attain before being considered for TLD. For our inaugural post, we will use Stewart's Shelled Beans, perhaps the apotheosis of really fucking gross looking canned foodstuffs.
1. IS THIS SOMETHING I, OR ANYONE I KNOW, WOULD EAT OR HAVE EVER EATEN? Beans are good! Magical, even. I admit, though, that I had no idea beans had shells. Or that if you removed these mythical shells, the remaining moist, quivering mass would resemble a plate full of hamster abortions. So: No.
2. WAS THE PHOTO OF THE PRODUCT TAKEN ON A 1970'S MODEL POLAROID? Yes! But at least the photo is centered. And they used plenty of light on their shelled beans.
3. IS THERE AN UGLY LOGO THAT CLASHES WITH EVERYTHING ELSE ON THE LABEL? You know what goes with everything? Plaid. Mass of pink hamster abortions on a blue plate? Only plaid can work, my friends.
Thank you, Stewart's Shelled Beans. THE BAR HAS BEEN SET. We've got plenty more to come, but if you have any insanely disgusting looking food products you want to see featured, send tips to timheaneyis@gmail.com.
These beans are actually delicious. I'm really upset you can only buy them in Maine. My grandfather used to visit family once a year and he would always bring home a case to Delaware and God they were gone within the week! You shouldn't bash something you've never tried.
ReplyDeleteYeah I'm all aboard calling this blogger a douche-bag. I know he's just having some fun with the imagery on the cans and it probably won't hurt Stewart's business at all, but a modicum of respect could have been paid to the product in the can if the douche-bag had any class at all and at least tried the products he lambastes! It actually may have made this post funny as well.
ReplyDeleteI fell in love with these thanks to my in-laws from Maine and now retired in Florida I have to have a wealthy friend pick them up at Hannaford (from Maine) Stores in N.Y. and pass them around to everyone travelling down in my direction. Then once they arrive, feeling like a drug courier, I head out to make my "pickups." Yeah douche-bag. They are that fucking good. You stay a bean-free douche-bag because that means more beans for me.
Douche-bag.
I have a can of these but don't know how to prepare them. How do you do it, any good, simple recipes?
DeleteThey are used as a side dish plain.
DeleteI grew up in Maine eating these as a vegetable when eating supper, like with meat and potatoes. We heated them and added butter, salt and pepper, with a bit of milk.
DeleteI’m a Culinary Arts instructor, and I was trained in the US and in Paris. I’ve also been teaching for 30+ years. Stewart’s Shelled Beans are outstanding. They’re probably the best example of a canned bean available anywhere. You sir, are an asswipe.
ReplyDeleteThank you unknown...these beans are the best and they are going extinct, the Portuguese communities are finding it difficult to get our hands on anymore...they are like gold to get our hands on
DeleteIt's a Portuguese food and it's used to make jigacita a rice dish, if you Google it and find it I'm sure you'll love it, for us Portuguese people these beans are getting harder and harder to find 😢😢😢
ReplyDeleteThey are not strictly a Portuguese food. I grew up in central Maine eating them as a vegetable when eating supper. Butter, milk, salt and pepper, and you can use the milk from that dish on your potatoes!
ReplyDeleteWill have to look up the dish you mentioned!
I love them. My great grandfather showed me these back when I was a youngster. He use to add salt pepper and a bit of cream. I still enjoy them that way.
DeleteGrew up eating Stewart's Shelled Beans, love them heated, butter salt, pepper and a little sour cream stirred in for richness, also good tossed in rice and seasoned.
ReplyDeleteGrew up eating these and I can't find them where I live. They are delicious in jagecita and just as a side dish.
ReplyDeleteGrew up eating these, make a Rice & Beans dish with them. I lived in NH and could get them any time I wanted now I live in Delaware and can't get them. Does anyone have any ideas for the best substitution for them until I can get back up north?
ReplyDelete